


I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

by blacklaces (lacepirate)



Category: Big Hero 6 (2014)
Genre: Eating Disorders, Incest, M/M, Self-Harm, Sibling Incest, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Trigger Warnings, graphic description of self harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-20
Updated: 2019-07-20
Packaged: 2020-07-09 02:41:56
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Underage
Chapters: 1
Words: 16,115
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19880266
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lacepirate/pseuds/blacklaces
Summary: He wishes he could be like Tadashi.Look like Tadashi, act like Tadashi, cope like Tadashi.All he wanted was a way to deal.*Trigger warning: graphic description of self harm*----this is a little messy tbh, but I've had some people tell me that it means alot to them so I've decided to repost it after orphaning it before





	I'm Not Okay (I Promise)

**Author's Note:**

> don't @ me i was like 14 when I wrote this im sorry its pretty shitty, but maybe if anyone is interested, I could re-write it?? my perspectives and experiences have been greatly expanded since then, and I'd love to incorporate them?? let me know, any kind of feedback is greatly appreciated!!! 
> 
> posting as one work now as opposed to the chapters it was in before

Title: I'm not okay (I promise)

Summary:

He wishes he could be like Tadashi.

Look like Tadashi, act like Tadashi, cope like Tadashi.

All he wanted was a way to deal.

*Trigger warning: graphic description of self harm*

  
  


Notes:

*trigger warning for self-harm*

continue at your own risk!

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

any criticisms are welcomed! please comment and kudos if you liked it

comment if you want more?

  
  
  
  
  
  


Chapter 1

I was never expecting it. I guess no one ever does.

The first time it happened was the night after getting verbally attacked by nearly everyone in the school. They all shouted at me, chanting names as I ran to my locker, turning my volume up louder in an attempt to block them out.

It didn’t really work.

_

_ I can’t believe how easy that was. Tearing apart a razor should not be that easy, for plainly obvious reasons now. _

_ I gripped the small, flimsy piece of metal between my index finger and thumb, running my middle over the edge, testing it. I sighed when a crimson bead formed on the pad of my finger.  _

_ This will be easy enough. _

_ Now, where do I put them? The observational genius in me springing to life.  _

_ Wrists are too obvious, stomach is too fatty. Hmm, maybe thighs? They’re definitely easy enough to hide, especially considering I'm a boy, and no boy was usually expected to wear shorts above the knee.  _

_ I glanced at the small wall clock sitting on the pale blue paint in the bathroom. 11:54. Tadashi should be fully asleep by now, even slightly snoring, his college level courses wearing him to the limit. I sighed lightly.  _

_ I wish I had the ability to deal with things like Tadashi did. Or even maybe have one shred of the looks of Tadashi and then i’d be happy for the rest of my life, but I don’t. And I never will.  _

_ More tears fell to my cheeks the more I thought about it. _

_ ‘Just do it, idiot, you’re wasting time.’ _

_ I undid the tie to my pyjama pants, sliding them down my thin legs. _

_ I wish I had legs like Tadashi.  _

_ Hesitantly, I brought the edge to the middle of my right thigh, letting it push on my skin for a moment, before I dragged it across, listening to the sound of splitting skin fill the air around me. _

_ Wow, that wasn’t even that bad. _

_ I counted 14 when I was done. 10 on my right, 4 on my left. The left side wasn’t as deep, considering I was right handed. And if you actually looked at the rest, they weren’t deep at all, no worse from the scratches I got from Mochi when I tried to move her off of my pillow in the middle of the night. _

_ Maybe i’ll make them better next time. _

_ _ _

It’s only been about a month since and I have quite a few now. I stopped counting when they began to layer on top of each other.

I have to say, it did work. Even if it was a short amount of time, it still worked.

_

I flopped my body on my bed after school, already exhausted from my day. My ears perked at the sound of the door clicking open.

“Hey, how come you’re home early?” I asked, plainly confused.

Tadashi sighed, chuckling under his breath. “Fred started a small fire in the lab in an attempt at one of his fire-breathing ideas and set some of Honey’s chemicals on fire.”

“Oh god, Is everyone okay?!” I asked, a worried expression written on my face.

“Yeah, but Fred’s banned from the lab until he takes a safety seminar. The firemen were still assessing it when they told us we could go.”

Even though he was clearly mad, he still had a smile plastered on his face. That was one of the things I loved about Tadashi, he could never stay mad at his friends.

“Besides, it’s alright, ‘cause nothing was lost and it’s not like it’s the first time either.” He laughed, falling down on his bed as well.

“Anyway, what’s new with you?” Tadashi asked.

“Not much, you know.. genius things.” I smirked.

“Oh wow, ouch, i’m hurt.” Tadashi stated as he walked over to my bed, sitting beside me and leaning on my stomach.

_ Don’t lean any lower or it’s going to take a lot of restraint for me not to show any sign of pain. _

We both turned our heads to Tadashi’s side of the room, hearing Baymax slowly inflate.

“Oops.” Tadashi laughed.

We both giggled watching Baymax try to waddle out of the tight closet that was Tadashi’s half of the room, knocking multiple items over in the process.

“I have heard a sound of distress, what seems to be the problem?”

“Nothing Baymax, we’re fine.” I announced to the marshmallow-resembling robot.

“I will scan you now.”

“Oh god, Baymax, this again.” I let my head fall back with laughter, not realizing Baymax had just sent me to my doom.

“Scan complete. Tadashi,” He said with extra emphasis “seems to be in excellent health, however-“

“However?” Tadashi questioned.

My stomach dropped to my feet.

“No! Baymax I swear I'm fin-“

“Hiro, you have acquired a total number of one hundred and two lacerations on the tops of your left and right thighs, may I suggest and anti-bacterial spray and proper bandaging?”

“Hiro, what is he talking about?” Tadashi questioned, his voice shaking with protect and worry.

“I don’t know, he’s probably malfunctioning.” I made sure to keep my eyes from his. I was never good at lying.

  
  


“I upgraded him yesterday, Hiro. What is he talking about?” he said firmly this time.

Before I had time to respond, Tadashi pinned my arms above my head with his right hand engulfing both of my wrists, his right knee sitting atop my chest to keep me from wiggling anywhere as he unbuttoned my khaki shorts that were a tad too long for my short figure. 

In any other situation, I would have loved this, but now? not so much. I kicked my knees, aiming for anything that would get him to stop.

“Tadashi stop! Please!” I cried out.

I didn’t mean for it to happen, but tears were now burning down my face. That seemed to happen a lot these days.

I felt the rush of cold air on the surface of my wounds and I hissed at the contact. I stopped moving.

“I’m sorry..” I whispered.

I don’t know how much time had passed that he was frozen for. Could have been 3 minutes or 30, I have no idea.

After a few moments, he moved, sliding off of me on to the wooden floor, covering his mouth with both of his hands.

I sat up as fast as humanly possible and did up my pants.

“Tadashi, please say something.” I cried openly now.

He turned slowly, sitting on his knees, not making contact with me. He moved his hand, inch by inch towards my legs hanging off of the edge of the bed. I didn’t flinch when his fingers crawled under the edge of my shorts, feeling the angry red lines that lay beneath.

He rested his hand there. After a few minutes he only whispered one thing, barely audible.

“ _ Hiro _ .”

  
  
  
  


Chapter 2

Summary:

this one is more fluffy, but if you want more angsty kind of love making, trust me, I'm going to work it in there somewhere!

gahh, i'm sorry, this one is pretty sad as well. BUT FLUFFY I PROMISE

  
  
  


Notes:

*trigger warnings apply*

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

THANK YOU SO MUCH I KNOW I'M OVER EXAGGERATING THIS A LOT BUT IM SO INCREDIBLY HAPPY SOMEONE LIKED IT OMFG IM CRYING TEARS OF HAPPINESS

*ahem* sorry.

comment or kudos are EXTREMELY appreciated! it makes my entire week

  
  
  
  


He tore up our room after that. 

Not even searching for anything, just out of frustration, tears running down his face as he did so. 

I’ve never seen him cry like this. Only when mom and dad died, and I barely even remember that.

Aunt Cass came up after a minute or two to see what the noise was. Tadashi told her that he’d be down in a minute to talk to her, she hesitated at the doorway for a moment, glancing over at me, worry and dread coded in her eyes. 

She trusted Tadashi though; a lot more than she’s going to trust me after he tells her.

There was really only one thought going through my head.

_ Either I need to find another way or I need to hide them, and my blades, better, as well as finding a good time to do it. He’s definitely not going to let me stay up past him anymore, and who knows, he’s so unpredictable when he’s being over protective, he might not even let me go to the washroom on my own anymore. _

I groaned internally. This was going to be one hell of a process.

I turned back to the other side of the room, seeing Baymax still standing, as innocent as ever. I giggled. I couldn’t help it.

“Hiro, may I attend to your wounds?”

“S-sure.” 

I glanced at Tadashi, staring at Baymax, he looked like he had completely forgotten he was there too.

Baymax waddled over to me and had me stand off the bed so he could take off my shorts to access the cuts. He folded them in a neat square at the edge of my bed, gesturing to me –in a robotic way- to sit back down. I sat with my slender thighs shoulder length apart, letting Baymax spay an anti-bacterial coating on them. 

I secretly wished they were deeper now. They never seemed to be deep enough to my liking. 

He continued to wrap them up with proper dressings, putting my makeshift ones to shame.

“Thank you, Baymax, I’m satisfied with my care.”

I watched Baymax try to silently wobble back to his charging station and deflate, knocking over the things he has previously cleaned up from the first time. 

I giggled again, this time seeing Tadashi glance over at me from the corner of my eye. He smiled, noticing I was smiling at Baymax.

“Tadashi..” I whispered, the smile fading from my face.

He walked, one foot in front of the other, to my bed and sat down next to me once again.

“Hiro.”

I sighed, averting his eyes.

“Hiro, look at me.” His voice cracked at the end.

I slowly trailed my eyes up the length of his body, stopping at his broad chest.

_ He didn’t say where. _

“Hiro. Look at me.” He firmly whispered, pleading to me.

I continued my path and finally came focused on his eyes. His eyes that were full of hurt and tears.

“Hiro, i’m not going to ask why, that will be for later, but now, just listen to me.” I focused on his tears falling from his face, yet his voice not faltering.

“We’re going to get through this, okay? I promise. You’re my baby brother, I want to do anything and everything I can to protect you. You can  _ always _ come to me, okay?”

Tears welled in my eyes as I slowly nodded my head.

_

I went through the same thing with Aunt Cass, except more hugging and crying. I barely touched my dinner, which was understanding to them. My stomach was virtually non-existent at the moment.

_

It was around 7 when I announced that I was going to shower. Tadashi had already taken every single sharp item that he could find and basically thrown it out the window. Including all my parts for upcoming bots I was going to make and projects I was going to build.

“Wait, Hiro..” He trailed off.

“Yeah?” I replied hesitantly.

He sighed and looked down at his feet. I’ve never seen him this nervous before.

“C-can I.. Um, come in? W-with you? You know, not in a weird way or anything, I know I haven’t showered with you since I was like eight, but I need to, you know, make sure..” 

I stood frozen in shock as he rambled on about dangers.

“Um, s-sure.” I stuttered.

“I-I won’t come in or anything, I'll just like, stay inside. I’ll read a book or something, I promise.”

“O-okay.”

I started the shower first, making sure it was steaming in the room thickly before I went in to remove my clothing.

I didn’t want Tadashi seeing the cuts any more than he already had.

I slowly stepped into the shower, closing the protective curtain behind me.

“Okay!” I called out, letting Tadashi know that I was in.

I heard the door open and close, feeling a thud when he sat down on the floor. 

I continued to wash the mop on my head that was considered my hair, feeling the soap sting when it hit my thighs. I hissed at the pain.

“Hiro, are you okay?”

“Y-yeah, just got soap in my eye!” I lied.

I hated lying to Tadashi.

I let the water hit my back as I examined myself. 

I was flimsy. I was small. I was weak. I’m nothing,  _ absolutely nothing _ compared to Tadashi. 

A moment passed and I didn’t realise I was crying until a heard a choked sob come out of my chest. 

I fell to me knees with a metallic thud, hanging my wet head in my hands. I couldn’t really explain it, but sobbing hurt. I was in so much  _ mental  _ pain that it  _ physically  _ hurt me. 

My chest aches like someone had punched a hole straight through me. I scratched at my arms as much as I could manage with my blunt nails. 

I felt Tadashi’s hands on me, pulling me up and locking my wrists in his hands away from my own body. I sobbed into his chest, soaking his light blue SFIT t-shirt. 

He didn’t seem to care. He kept stroking my bare back, rocking me like a small infant.

I stopped sobbing after a while.

In that time, Tadashi had turned the shower into a bath, changing the plug on the tap and letting the water fill the tub as he put the plug in the bottom.

He slowly finished the washing I could not, still not seeming to care that he was completely and utterly soaked.

On any other occasion, I would be incredibly turned on – this situation having fueled my dreams and fantasies for a while, leaving me waking up in the morning with a wet spot on my sheets. I just couldn’t bring my mind to wander there at the moment, the only feeling inside me was guilt and dread piling up in my stomach, threatening to spill over in the form of bile at any moment.

Tadashi wrapped me in a fluffy towel and carried me bridal style to my bed and dressed me. 

As if I deserved it.

I barely spoke two words the rest of the night, until around 11:30 that is.

I got up, pacing in spot, not really putting my finger on what I needed. 

Tadashi was staring at me the whole time. I paced over to my desk, picking up a glass of water, spying a paper clip as I was taking a sip. 

I secretly took the paper clip and tucked it in to my palm. 

Tadashi found my hidden blades in the washroom, but he hadn’t found the one extra I had hidden in a cut-out flap in my leather bound journal, right on the back cover, where nobody would think to look. 

There was no way I could get to it now though. 

The thought of a real blade made my scars and cuts tingle with anticipation and desire. 

The paper clip would have to do for now. 

The need was growing thick in my chest, piling up on my already upset stomach. 

I placed my water glass down and padded to the washroom. I sat on the edge of the tub, baring my wrists this time.

I mean, they’ve already seen my wrists, they were clean, they’ll just assume that i’ll keep doing it on my thighs.

I moved the unfolded paper clip from my right hand to my left wrist, realizing that it wasn’t as sharp, and digging harder in to my skin than I usually would. I only dragged about 3 or 4 across my now marked wrist before I heard a bang on the door.

“Hiro? Hiro, are you okay?”

I dropped the paper clip to the ground, letting the sobs shake my frame once again.

“Hiro?! Hiro unlock the door!”

I didn’t make a move.

I didn’t notice when he began to shake the door frame by throwing his whole body against it.

“Hiro! Open the door!”

Two thuds later he was in, halting at the scene in front of him.

He scooped me up into his lap, cradling me for the second time today.

I whisper chanted over and over again, the only coherent thought running through my mind.

“I’m sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.....”

  
  
  
  


Chapter 3

Notes:

*trigger warnings apply*

There's smut in this one! Continue at your own expense.

I've changed the rating to Explicit due to this chapter on.

(ps. i'm sorry if my smut sucks, i'm still new and a tid bit embarrassed. :) )

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

OMFG KAY SO EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOU IS MAKING ME SO BLOODY HAPPY WITH ALL OF THE KUDOS AND EVERYTHING THANK YOU SO MUCH, I LOVE YOU ALL

excuse me once again, I am very easily excited.

From now on, there will be one chapter posted a day!

thank you so much!

comment or kudos if you liked!

:*

  
  
  
  


He slept with me last night. Not in the way  _ I  _ wanted him to, he held me all night long. 

Just simply cradling me on the inside curve of his body. 

I fell asleep somewhere around 4 am, that was the last time I saw my clock.

He woke up before me, trying as quietly as he could to shuffle around the room and prepare for the day. I rolled over and groaned, remembering that it was finally Friday, but I still had to go to school.

“I called in for you.” Tadashi called out, shuffling around his bed.

“What? What do you mean?” Confusion clear on my face.

“I called the school for you and told them you were sick, I’m going to keep you home today. 

Missing one day won’t kill you.” He smirked over his shoulder.

“What? No, Tadashi, I need to go in.”

“No, you don’t. You’re a genius remember?” He walked over to me, poking at my forehead.

“You can miss one day and still be years ahead of everyone else there.”

I sighed, knowing I wasn’t going to win this argument. I nodded in agreement after a moment.

Tadashi walked over to his desk, throwing his hat on his head and his bag over his shoulder.

“I’m not going to class today either. I called Honey and explained.”

I internally cursed at myself, I should have expected him to do that. My shame only grew larger, hanging over my head like a storm cloud.

“I’ll be back soon, I promise, I just need to grab a few things,” 

He looked over at me and saw me hanging my head, hair curling over my eyes.

“Hey, I didn’t explain everything to her, I just told her something happened and that you guys needed me at home.”

He walked over to my bed, sneakers squeaking on the hardwood floor. He took my hand in his, running his thumb lightly across my palm.

“Aunt Cass is up, the cafe is going to open in about half an hour, and you’re going to stay with her down there until I get back.” He stated firmly but with a soft edge lingering on his voice.

I didn’t question. I knew he didn’t trust me.

“When I get back, we’ll talk, but for now, no closed doors. I’m sorry Hiro, but...”

I nodded my head. I get it.

He pulled me in to his chest, shocking me frozen. I inhaled his scent, wrapping my arms around his strong torso. I buried my head in to the crook between his head and his shoulder as he did the same.

“I love you Hiro.”

“I love you too Tadashi.”

_ If only you knew what has gone on in my mind when you said that. _

After I heard the front door bell ding, I glanced around our shared room and noticed that every possible item I could use was gone. 

_ Everything. _

Even pencils and pens, my side and his. I have no idea where he put them, or that there were even that many hiding places in this house.

_

Watching Aunt Cass deal with sassy customers was always a laugh. 

Only one of two things could happen, she would back down and give them what they want or she would  _ defend her right as a woman,  _ as she called it.

She wasn’t feeling too polite today.

I had to slip in to the kitchen quietly to wipe away my tears from laughing so hard.

_

With every ring of the door, my eyes darted in the direction, scanning for Tadashi.

He walked through the door empty handed.

_ I thought he went out to get some things? _

I shrugged at my thought. Maybe he didn’t find what he was looking for. 

He started up the stairs, motioning for me to follow.

I sprawled out on Tadashi’s bed in an attempt to get closer to Mochi. She always hated cuddling with me. She only half-heartedly pawed at me and moved her plump body on to the floor. I giggled. If only I could be as carefree as Mochi. 

Tadashi put his things away, hanging his hat on the hook and ran a hand through his freshly-washed hair. 

He sat next to me on his pale blue striped sheets. I sat up and crossed my legs hugging them close to my chest, trying to anticipate what was coming next.

“Hiro.. I know it’s going to be hard to talk about this, but could you please try to?  _ For me? _ If you don’t talk to me or Aunt Cass, we’re going to have to find someone you  _ will  _ talk to because you need to get it out if you want to stop.”

He pleaded to me with wet eyes.

I could feel my eyes becoming damp again.

_ That’s the thing Tadashi, I don’t know if I want to stop.  _ A small voice nagged at me from the back of my mind.

I slowly nodded my head in response.

“So.. Will you tell me, what’s, you know, bothering you? You don’t need to hold back or filter, trust me, I can take it.”

_ Oh i’ll tell you what I want to take from you... _

I giggled slightly under my breath.

“ I just..” I started.

_ Where do I even start? _

“Well, I guess... Everyone at school would call me names and they finally got to me.”

_ I want to be like you. _

“They just cornered me one day and I snapped, I guess.”

_ I wish I was like you. _

_ The people at school were only part of the equation, they only told me what I already knew. That i’m not as good as you. _

“What did they say to you?” Tadashi questioned.

“Well, some kid spread a rumor that I slept with some guy so they all started with faggot. It only got worse from there.”

_ That’s only where it started though. They figured out that I was the great Tadashi Hamada’s brother and started comparing me to you. _

I sighed, splitting the silence between us.

“You’re lying.”

“No i’m not!”

_ I’m just not telling the whole truth. _

“Yes you are Hiro, I practically raised you I can tell when you’re hiding something from me.”

I felt guilty for making him frustrated. He would just be better without me.

“Tell me what it is. I promise I can help, if only you just  _ tell me _ .”

I sucked a breath in through my nose and buried my face in my knees that were now shaking.

_ Not really. _

He placed one hand on my vibrating knee, my movement seemed to cease immediately.

“Okay, well..”

_ Here goes nothing. _

Tears started to gather in the corner of my eyes. Again.

“They just started comparing me to you in every way, asking why I was so weird, why I was so small, why you were so much different from me at my age, and I think they were harmless questions at first but then everyone started demanding answers that I didn’t have and I cracked.. I cracked...” I lost my breath at the last word, seemingly getting stuck in my throat.

I fell with my head in to Tadashi’s chest, letting him play with my hair and rest his face against my cheek while I cried.

“Hiro, you’re perfect the way you are. I love every bit and piece of you, small or not.” He kissed the top of my head.

We remained like that for a while, the sobbing never seeming to stop.

_

We watched movies for the rest of the afternoon. Tadashi said that distraction was the key.

_

Aunt Cass called dinner at sometime around 6, just when our third movie was finishing up.

_ I don’t deserve this, I’ve done nothing at all. _

I couldn’t bring myself to eat my dinner, I picked at my rice for nearly 20 minutes.

“Hiro, are you feeling alright sweetie?” Aunt Cass asked, sweetness seeping from her voice.

“Yeah, just not hungry.” I stated.

Tadashi and Mochi followed me up the stairs after I cleaned off my plate and kissed Aunt Cass goodnight. I usually don’t come down after dinner.

I couldn’t decide what to do with myself at the moment. I usually tinker with my bots, or start a 

new project, but Tadashi took all of my parts away.

I padded over to my school bag, sitting at the edge of my bed. I reached in and pulled out the dark leather bound journal by feel alone. I was about to sit down with it when I realized Tadashi took all of the writing utensils too.

I sighed and placed it on my desk face down.

I slumped on Tadashi’s bed. 

_ Distraction is the key. _

I glanced over at him working on leftover homework from the day before, looking like he was in a rush to finish it. He closed all his books a moment later and joined me, taking up the spot next to me on the bed.

“I’m going to go take a shower.” Thinking about the last time I tried to take one, still thinking about Tadashi holding me.

I started to walk towards the washroom door, being stopped by Tadashi grabbing my unmarked wrist.

“Wait. C-can I.. Um.. j-join you?”

_ Yes, i’d like that very much. _

“S-sure, I guess. If you want.” I shrugged, butterflies in my stomach.

I filled the shower first again, letting the steam envelop my body before stripping my clothes. I stepped into the shower letting the hot water fall over my body for a moment before I heard Tadashi come in and close the door behind him.

I listened to the soft  _ thump  _ of his clothes hitting the tiled floor and when I turned around, he was standing still in front of me. The mist was so thick I could barely see my own hands. 

Tadashi reached around to turn the heat level down a tad. 

I led my eyes down to my feet, accidentally noticing Tadashi on the way down. I blushed. I hope you couldn’t tell and that it just blended in with the steam.

I felt a familiar tug in my groin.

_ Oh dear god, not now. Not in front of him! _

I spun around so hard that my foot slipped on the wet tiles, sending me straight backwards in to Tadashi’s arms.

Good thing he had fast reflexes.

“Oh, shit.” I muttered.

“Are you okay?”

“Yeah I think so.”

_ No, i’m not. I can feel the outline of your dick on my back and now I’m getting harder. _

“Shit.” I cursed, barely audible under the water.

I tried to hide as much as I could, before Tadashi grew concerned and pulled my shoulders towards him.

“N-no, Tadashi stop, please.” Panic rising in my voice.

“Hiro, are you-“

“No! I swear!”

He giggled.

_ That was unexpected. _

“It’s alright, it happened to me when I was your age too.”

_ Yeah, but not because of your older brother’s cock pressing on your back. _

“Oh good, why don’t we add that to the list of reasons why i’m a freak.”

I let my red stained face fall in my hands, flushing with embarrassment.

He spun me around to face him, making me flush even worse. He tore my head from my hands and pressed his palms against my cheeks, forcing me to look him in the eye.

“Hiro. You’re perfect.”

He then crushed his lips against mine, freezing my body in shock.

_ Holy shit, is this really happening? _

I kissed back as fast as I could, slightly deepening my blush when I realized I’ve never kissed anyone before.

“You’re thinking about it too much Hiro, just let your body relax.” His deep voice rumbled in my ear, sending vibrations down my spine.

When I finally relaxed enough not to think about it, I finally noticed his lips, how they were moving softly against mine, but still hungry to taste more. His tongue swiped gently at my bottom lip, parting my mouth to give him access. His tongue battled for a short amount of time with mine, letting myself easily give in to him.

I wrapped my arms around his neck when he parted from me to gently place kisses down my neck. 

He kissed every spot he could reach. When he met the crook of my neck, just where my shoulder meets my hips involuntarily bucked, a small moan slipping out of my mouth.

_ Wow, didn’t know that was a turn on. Then again, i’ve never been kissed on the neck before. _

He giggled, breathing hot air against my neck, pecking a small kiss before continuing lower to my collar bone.

His hand trailed flat down the length of my torso, stopping for a moment just below my belly button. I ground my hips up, trying to get him to continue. It only caused him to giggle more, obviously laughing at my eagerness.

It took forever for him to trail his fingers over the curve of my dick, eliciting a loud, pornographic moan out of my mouth.

He finally engulfed my cock in his hands, the feeling of complete and utter bliss washing over me. I nearly came just from the thought of what he was going to do next.

He pumped his hand slowly up and down my shaft, treating my neck like a pleasurable bowl of ice cream the whole time.

He dropped to his knees, trailing his lips down my stomach.

“Tadashi, you don’t have to.” I had difficulty talking with the way he was still gripping me in his hand.

“Trust me, I want to. Just relax.”

_ Oh god. _

He peppered kisses starting at the base of my dick, using his thumb to smear pre-cum all over the head.

I had to cover my mouth with my hand to keep from screaming.

I yelped when he leaned forward and took all of me in his mouth in one shot. Not that it would be hard, but you’re expecting some kind of transition, right?

He swallowed around me, causing my hips to buck forward into his mouth even further. He bobbed his head forward and back, when I felt a familiar tug in the base of my stomach. 

_ That wasn’t long. _

“ _ nngh.. Ta-tadashi-i, I’m _ gon-na-“

He giggled around my cock, sending the vibrations straight to my balls.

“ _ ahh-!” _ I screamed, coming down my older brother’s throat.

I expected him to pull off, but he kept his head buried between my thighs, increasing my bliss by moaning for himself. I realized then that he was stroking his own cock, I looked down just in time to see his cum being washed down the drain.

He slowly emerged as I opened my eyes, seeing the water spray around his face. He dove back at me for a kiss, allowing me to taste myself as he swirled his tongue around with mine.

He pulled back, both of us gasping for air.

“I love you Hiro.”

  
  
  
  


Chapter 4

  
  


Notes:

*trigger warnings apply*

continue at your own expense.

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

GAHH OMG AGAIN I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH THIS IS SO MUCH MORE THAN I COULD EVER ASK FOR AND THANK YOU FOR BEING PATIENT WITH ME AND MY PROCRASTINATION, I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH

Thanks for reading!

comment or kudos if you liked!

:*

  
  
  
  
  


"Hiro? Hiro, wake up."

I bolted upright, the breath leaving my lungs.

"Are you okay? You sounded like you were having a bad dream."

Tadashi’s face was painted with worry.

My nerves had finally woke, his voice sending shivers down my spine. I was grateful that my thick comforter covered me from my waist down, because my crotch was coated in the sticky, white substance that Tadashi had swallowed in one gulp in my dream. That was the most vivid one yet. I made a mental note of the shower sex being a turn on.

"Yeah, I'm fine." I smiled weakly.

"What was it about?"

"Oh you know, the usual being chased by someone." I averted my eyes, feeling a blush crawling up my cheeks.

"I-I'm gonna go take a shower now, what time did I fall asleep last night?"

Tadashi giggled.

"After dinner, you were basically sleeping in your food, so I carried you up and you passed out after that." He continued to smile at me, as if it was the most amusing thing in the world.

I waited for him to back away from the side of my bed, quickly throwing off my covers and waddling to the bathroom.

I turned on the shower, letting the steam fill the room and fog the mirror. I had absolutely no desire to see myself right now. 

I turned my head, hearing a knock at the door.

"Hiro, what did I say about locked doors?"

I groaned.

"I'll unlock it, but I'm not leaving it open! I want some kind of privacy!"

I heard Tadashi giggle from the other side, sighing shortly after.

"Fine. No longer than half an hour though, Aunt Cass apparently has a surprise for you today."

I laughed loudly.

"What is it? More cookies?"

I pictured the already piled plate beside my bed.

"I don't know, she won't even tell me! Prepare for anything I guess."

His voice faded, getting farther from the washroom door.

I quickly ran over and unlocked it, wanting to be back under the hot stream of water.

I sighed when I stepped back in, letting the warmth coat my body.

My mind inevitably slipped back to my dream, sending small pulses of desire towards the epicentre of my body. 

I leaned forward, resting my forehead against the cool tiled wall, hands started at the top of my head, where I was supposed to be washing my hair, but clearly my body had other ideas. 

I slipped my hands from my head, holding them on the back of my neck for a moment, interlacing my fingers. I continued my journey down, stopping at the perked nubs on my chest and giving my left a tight squeeze between the pads of my fingers. I gasped, the shock being sent straight to my groin as I slapped a hand over my mouth in an attempt to not let any noises escape.

I grew more and more impatient and hot, even though the water was now Luke-warm. I finally reached my crotch, running my fingers along the tip, spreading pre-cum around on my fingers. I whimpered at the sensation, bucking my hips, trying to get more, more, more. I pictured Tadashi's head buried between my thighs as I gripped the base of my cock stroking upwards once, a muffled moan coming from between my fingers. 

I stroked myself a few more times, gasping at every involuntary thrust of my hips. I wanted desperately to reach down and pinch one of my swollen nipples, but I couldn't trust myself to be quiet. 

I rutted against my hand, the workings of my orgasm beginning to form. I reached down farther, running two wet fingers over my hole. 

I accidentally moaned louder than I should have allowed, fear creeping its way inside me at the thought of Tadashi walking in on me, but soon being extinguished by white hot pleasure.

I slid my hand back up to my cock, stroking up a few more times before I began to feel a tug on my balls. The last thing I thought about was the supposed feeling of Tadashi's tongue flattening on the underside of my cock, sending shivers up my spine. 

I mumbled his name in to the palm of my hand as I closed my eyes and saw stars behind my lids, releasing cum all over the shower wall in front of me.

-

I walked out of the washroom with a fluffy grey towel around my waist. I saw the white towels sitting on the rack, but I decided it was too risky with my thighs. One swipe of the towel in the wrong way and the white would be stained red.

I sat on the edge of my bed, the towel falling open to reveal all of my mistakes. They were never good enough.

_ Maybe next time, whenever that's going to be. _

I ran the tips of my fingers over the now fading maroon lines, the bumpy feeling sending a wave of calm to every bundle of nerves in my body. It always calmed. Even if it was short, it still 

worked.

There was always a wave of serenity that overtook my body after each movement of the silver scrap of metal clutched desperately between my fingers. Truly, the only moment I felt relaxed. My mind never stopped working during the day, or even the night for that matter.

I quickly closed the towel, searching my drawers for a clean pair of boxers.

-

Tadashi came padding up the stairs when he heard my footsteps on the hardwood floor.

I already had my jeans on by the time the door clicked open.

"Aunt Cass is ready."

"Okay, two secs." I called over my shoulder, looking through the closet for a T-shirt.

I settled on a red graphic tee with a picture of some hero on the front, I didn't bother to look. I clutched my favourite blue sweater to my chest, quickly swinging it over my left arm, not wanting Aunt Cass to see even the slightest marks on her precious nephew.

-

"Aunt Cass where are we going?" I finally questioned after twenty long minutes of awkward silence.

"Well, I thought that we could go get you some new clothes and things, anything really!" She laughed awkwardly. 

"To make you feel a bit better about things maybe, get your mind off of it for a bit."

"Oh, okay, cool." I said, trying to seem excited. I really didn't mind shopping like most guys, it just means I might be able to get more parts for my bots.

-

After hours of Aunt Cass dragging me through stores, telling me what to try on and what she thinks would look 'cute' on me, we finally returned home, where I retreated into the serenity of our shared room.

I walked through the door, seeing Tadashi standing on a chair in the corner of his room.

"Uhh, dude. What are you doing?" I stood in spot, stopped with confusion.

"Oh, I'm just uh, killing a spider. It was just out of my reach." He laughed awkwardly.

"Uh, okay." I laughed under my breath.

_ That's odd. We rarely see spiders in the house _ .

I glanced over at my clock. 2:36.

"I think I'm going to go work on my bot for a little bit." I called over my shoulder, already headed down the steps.

-

A little bit ended up being a while. I had to tweak nearly everything because Tadashi took all of the parts I was going to use and threw them in the fucking garbage. I nearly growled at the thought of how much that cost me. 

I started to head back upstairs at around 9:30, deciding I should get ready for bed.

Tadashi was sitting on his bed, reading one of his textbooks.

"Are you gonna go to sleep? Cause' I can go downstairs if you want." Tadashi leapt up from his bed.

"It's alright, I don't care." I only slid off my jeans, replacing them for a pair of plaid pyjama pants.

He continued anyway, dropping his textbook near the stairs.

"Oh shit.." He tried to hide the fact that he cursed, but I honestly couldn't care less that he did.

He bent over, reaching to grab the book, exposing a small amount of skin and his beautiful ass in the process. I felt my whole body flush, lingering in my pants.

_ Ugh, again. Really hormones? God dammit Tadashi. _

"Sorry. Night' Hiro."

"Night'."

I let out a breath of air I didn't know I was holding when he closed the door.

I now had to deal with this problem.  _ Great _ .

  
  
  


**Tadashi**

Tadashi settled down in the small red couch in the garage, pulling his phone out from between the covers of his textbook. 

He continued to open the new app to coordinate with his surveillance system now fully functional in their shared room. He tapped in the password, shaking his knee in anxiousness. 

Was this crossing any lines? He thought.

He no longer trusts his brother on his own. He overlooked the fact that whenever he glanced over at Hiro when he was changing, his pants began to grow tight. 

He would just have to show restraint and discipline towards himself in order to keep his brother safe from himself.

He waited for the micro-cam to adjust to the darkened room, barely able to make out Hiro's figure on his bed.

" _ Ungh _ ,  _ Tadashi _ ."

Hiro's voice rang out of the small speakers at the bottom of Tadashi's phone.

" _ Fuck _ ."

Tadashi grew worried that his little brother was injured, that was until the small camera adjusted to the darkness.

Tadashi saw something he had only fantasized about late at night after Hiro had gone to sleep.

Hiro was sprawled on his own bed, hips rising up off the mattress as he tugged at his dick as an effort at release.

Tadashi said only a few words, mumbled under his breath as his own member began to grow hard at watching his younger brother get off to the thought of him.

"Good to know Hiro, you'll be in for a treat soon enough."

  
  
  
  


Chapter 5

Notes:

*trigger warnings apply*

the things that are happening in this chapter are simply based off of my experiences! I don't mean to offend anyone if their experience was different!

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

again, I don't mean to offend anyone with the way I described his panic attack or going to the doctor's, that was based off of my experiences, if you want you can comment so I can improve! thanks so much!

AND ONCE AGAIN I BLOODY LOVE ALL OF YOU THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ALL THE COMMENTS AND KUDOS <3 :*

thanks for reading!!

comment or kudos if you liked!

:*

  
  
  
  


I woke up at 5 am, drenched in sweat and tears.

_ Please, just let me not wake up. I'm sick of this, just let me not wake up. _

I cried even harder, an ache forming in my chest.

I leaned forward, sitting up on my knees, until I was completely forward with my legs tucked under me and my forehead against the mattress. I let a sob slip past me, not even caring if Tadashi was going to hear or not. I hate this. I wanted it to stop, for /everything/ to stop, what's the fucking point if this is what life is going to be like?

What's the point? I'm nobody special, I mean, sure, I was legally declared a genius by the state of San Fansokyo, but that's just a title, it's not worth shit if you're not doing anything with it. Which I'm too fucking useless to do anything with it anyway. I can't do anything right, I can't even hide some simple fucking scars.

_ God, for a genius, you sure are a dumbass. _

I clutched at my chest, trying to will the pain away.

I screamed, only for it to be muffled by the comforter that was pooling around my body.

I didn't care if I woke Tadashi.

The tears were now streaming liberally down my face, leaving dark wet spots on the sheets beneath me.

"Make it stop, make it stop, make it stop..." I whispered to no one in particular.

_ Nobody cares, dumbass, why do you think your brother hasn't woken up yet? _

At the moment I didn't register that the thoughts in my mind were so strong they were nearly audible, I only continued to scream and cry, but no matter how hard I grabbed at myself or how loud I screamed, nothing seemed to silence the pain. I need to get out. I don't know where, or how, or even why, I just need to go and get out somewhere, whether it be on this world or not. 

This only caused me to attempt to scratch my blunt nails across my skin, looking for something, anything to take the pain away. It felt like someone was wrapping a cold, skeletal hand around my heart and my lungs, while filling my stomach with dread.

"H-Hiro..?" I heard Tadashi stir from his side of the room.

I only felt stupider for waking him.

"Hiro! Hiro, talk to me! Are you okay?!"

Tadashi stumbled his way to my bed, still waking his brain up.

I said nothing.

"Hiro, you need to tell me what's wrong!" He was panicking now.

I couldn't form the words. They kept getting stuck in my throat and came out as a choked sob.

"Baymax, Ow!" Tadashi nearly screamed.

Baymax inflated and waddled over to the side of my bed, stating his usual introduction.

"Scan Hiro!"

"Hiro's heart rate appears to be increased, along with what appears to be a lack of serotonin, depression may be prominent."

"No Baymax, why is he crying? What's wrong?"

Tadashi grew frustrated, I could hear it in his voice.

"He appears to be having a panic attack, common in adolescents with anxiety and depression."

Tadashi shifted on the bed next to me, pulling me up by the waist.

"Hiro, what can I do, tell me what I can do to help."

My breaths shook with fear. Fear of him finding out what I really wanted to do. Fear of myself.

"I-I-I can-n't, I can't-t do it." My best effort at talking was clearly not working.

"Yes you can. I'm here, okay? I won't let anything happen to you, I promise. I'm here..." He trailed off, holding me in his arms and rocking me, trying to soothe me.

"Make it stop please... Please make it stop... I can't handle it anymore."

He placed a small kiss to my sweaty forehead.

"I know, I know. It's going to be hard, but I'm right here okay? I've got you, I'm not going anywhere. I've got you, I've got you..." He repeated the last three words like a mantra. Over and over and over again, rocking back and forth with the time of his words.

-

It took me an hour to calm down, and by the time I was calm, I was too tired to do anything. Tadashi slept in my bed with me until we both woke up, ready to face the day.

-

I walked downstairs after I cleaned and dressed myself, with the supervision of Tadashi, of course.

I looked at the plate of food set out generously on the table by Aunt Cass.

I nibbled on my toast and had a few forkfuls of scrambled eggs.

_ You're never going to look like Tadashi if you keep eating like you do. _

I tried to ignore the thoughts, pushing them to the back of my mind like the pile of dirty laundry that I had yet to do.

"So what's the plan for today boys?" Aunt Cass asked with a smile on her face that could always light up a room. Happiness seemed to radiate off of her.

"I don't know yet." Tadashi replied with a smile, glancing over at me.

I stood up and cleaned off my plate, setting it in the dishwasher and heading back to my room, probably to tinker on my computer or something. A few moments later I heard Tadashi coming up the steps. I think he tried to be quiet, but the creaky old wood of our home just wouldn't allow it.

"Hey. Can I ask you something?"

I nodded, eyes not leaving my screen, I knew if I looked at him I would flush red with embarrassment because of what I pulled this morning. I mean come on, who can't be quiet at 5 am?

"Hiro, look at me."

I slowly turned my head, facing my older brother.

"Hiro, can I take you to the doctor's to get you some medicine for this? I know you're determined to do this on your own, but it's not that you're weak, it's only a chemical imbalance and it can be fixed."

A single tear slipped from my grip, falling on to my blue t shirt.

"Okay." I sighed, barely audible.

He scooped me up in a hug, thanking me for letting him take me.

-

"Would you like to talk with or without your brother in the room?"

Both Tadashi and the doctor awaited a reply. I shrugged my shoulders, mumbling an

"I don't care."

"Okay, I'm going to get you to fill out this form, and we'll go from there okay? It should only take a moment."

He then handed me a paper and a pen. The paper had questions on it, I noticed. I couldn't really care to pay much attention to what he was saying, maybe I missed it.

The questionnaire asked me questions about my eating habits and my energy levels mostly. Apparently these were symptoms of depression? I scanned over the last question and my heart dropped through the floor, flooding my cheeks with embarrassment.

_ Have you turned to substances or bodily harm in an attempt to relieve pain or a way to cope? _

I hesitantly circled yes while Tadashi and the doctor talked, most likely about me.

I handed the paper and pen back to him, sliding my hands back under my thighs, the paper of the examination table crackling in the too quiet room.

-

We were at the pharmacy now. He prescribed me some sort of medication to take every day for my mood, apparently something else to help if the thing that happened this morning happens again. Apparently you just slip it under your tongue and you calm down.

_ yeah, cause a little pill is going to make these fucking thoughts go away, good luck with that. _

Tadashi signed some papers ‘cause I'm underage. We left after that.

-

The rest of the day passed with a blur, I don't remember any of it at all.

I was sitting at the table, picking at my dinner when a voice brought me back to earth.

"It says you're supposed to take it with food for the first two weeks or you could get an upset stomach. So eat up!" Tadashi smiled brightly at me.

I half-assed a grin back.

I finished my dinner quickly, downing the rest of my pasta as it burned my esophagus. I just wanted to go back upstairs to the safety of my room and sleep forever.

I wandered back upstairs after, slipping in to the washroom to relieve myself. I hesitated on locking the door.

_ I'm only going to the bathroom, he won't care _ .

I clicked the lock shut as quietly as I could manage.

I stared at myself in the mirror.

_ Ew, look at how fat you are compared to Tadashi, he's so fit. You're just gross and tubby. _

I sighed.

_ Hey, you want to look like him don't you? You know what you have to do… _

I tried to ignore them, trying my very best to push it to the back of my mind again, but it wasn't working this time.

I gripped the edge of the counter, staring down at the sink, avoiding my own reflection.

_ Do it. _

I dropped to my knees quietly in front of the porcelain bowl.

_ I'm sorry _ . I muttered in my head, as I stuck two fingers down my throat, disposing of my dinner from only moments ago.

I walked back down the steps after I rinsed my mouth with mouthwash.

"Hey, you okay? You were up there for a bit."

"Yeah, I'm good." I replied with a smile as wide as I could make it.

"Here, half for today and tomorrow and then you get a full one after that." Tadashi handed me a half a pill and a glass of water.

I downed the small pill easily. There was one part of me, albeit a very minuscule part that was chanting only one thing as I was drinking.

_ Please, please let this work _ .

  
  
  
  


Chapter 6

Notes:

*trigger warnings apply*

this one may be short but I promise the next one will be longer!

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

GAHH THANK YOU AGAIN SO MUCH, I WILL NEVER GET SICK OF SEEING THOSE MESSAGES

comment/kudos if you liked!

thanks for reading! :*

  
  
  
  


It's been about 2 weeks and Tadashi was right, my stomach tossed and turned after I took the small white pill with dinner every day.

-

**Tadashi**

After weeks of suspicious bathroom activity, Tadashi decided to place an extra camera in the washroom in their adjoined bedroom.

_ A trip to the washroom after every meal isn't normal _ , Tadashi reasoned.

He climbed on to the small counter after lunch, making sure to lock the door in case Hiro were to come in and see him like this, stretched out and reaching to the highest corner of the room, he already almost got caught once, but he was able to brush it off as killing a spider.

A soft knock was heard at the door.

"Tadashi are you almost done? I need to use the washroom."

Hiro's soft voice rang out from behind the closed door.

"Yeah, two seconds!"

Tadashi quietly shuffled off the counter.

Hiro passed him and closed the door behind him.

Tadashi walked over to his bed, pulling out his phone from his back pocket. He opened the corresponding app, trying to ease his mind. The image in front of him was nothing to be suspicious about, just Hiro using the washroom.

_ Well, maybe I was wrong _ .

He slipped the phone back in his pocket, looking over to Hiro's side of the room. He saw the brown leather bound journal he had given Hiro for Christmas one year. He stepped over dirty clothes on the floor to glance at the book, knowing he used the journal for writing down ideas for his new inventions.

His face contorted as he started to read the page in front of him.

"I fucking hate this, just fucking kill me if this is what it's like. I can't even keep down a meal without feeling sick with guilt. If I ever want to look like Tadashi though, I guess I'll just have to listen. I've managed to get away with emptying every meal so far, so they won't notice anything any time soon. I just wish I could find time to cut, it's all that's in my fucking mind."

The paragraph was followed with harsh gashes nearly tearing the paper apart, obviously from Hiro imitating what he wanted to do to his fragile little body.

Tadashi dropped to his knees in front of Hiro's bed, a pain gripping at his heart.

"Hiro."

-

**Hiro**

"Shit." I stopped dead in my tracks seeing Tadashi kneeling on the floor with my journal open in his hands.

"Hiro." He whispered.

"Tadashi..."

His head flew in my direction.

"Hiro, why didn't you tell me?" His voice shook with sobs. I never wanted to see my brother cry again, it was bad enough the first time.

"Tadashi I'm sorry." I hung my head in my hands in shame.

I felt both his arms wrap around me once more, as I put my ear against his chest, listening to his heartbeat.

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I haven't been helping you." He mumbled in to my hair.

I pushed myself away from his with as much force as I could manage.

"Don't you even think for one second that this is your fault! This is not your fault, it was never your fault..." I trailed off.

It was my turn to fall to my knees now, once again, letting the tears roll liberally down my face.

Tadashi said nothing as he picked me up and sat with me on his lap on my bed.

He continued to kiss my forehead, holding me as I broke down.

-

Tadashi insisted on a meal plan. Baymax was the cook. He knew that Aunt Cass would literally shove food down my throat if he let her cook. He had to tell her of course, which I was reluctant to do. He sat in silence with me as I came to terms with it. No matter what I do, he's going to tell Aunt Cass. I wish he had never found out in the first place. Stupid Baymax.

Baymax has devised a meal plan for me for the next while, Tadashi was even working on his scanner to get Baymax to tell him when my stomach was full or empty. I got to hand it to him, that's going pretty far just to see if I'm eating or not.

I only ate about half of the plate set out in front of me.

"Is that all you can eat?" Tadashi looked at me sympathetically.

"I can confirm that eating small amounts for an extended period of time can shrink the stomach." 

Baymax chimed in.

I was torn between hating him and loving him.

-

I sat in my room after dinner, Baymax following suit. Tadashi had told him to stay with me whenever he couldn't. A small part of me thanked him for not leaving me to my own devices, I no longer trusted myself.

Tadashi had come up after finishing helping Aunt Cass with the dishes.

I laid on my mattress facing away from the door. I didn't turn when I felt a dip beside me.

"Hiro," he began.

"You might hate me, I know this is instructive but it needs to be done."

I said nothing.

He turned me so I was facing him. I have up and sat with my back against my wall and looked him in the eye.

"Hiro, you're perfect, absolutely  _ perfect _ the way you are, I wouldn't change anything on you for anything."

I sighed, letting my gaze fall down to my lap but shortly being interrupted by Tadashi pulling my chin up to face him with one finger.

"Hiro."

"Hm?"

He took a moment to reply, but when he did, I was thankful.

"I love you." He breathed out, leaning down to press his delicate lips against mine.

  
  
  
  


Chapter 7

Notes:

*trigger warnings apply*

I'm sorry if this is sucky but bare with me!

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

OKAY AND AGAIN, YOU'RE PROBABLY TIRED OF READING THIS BUT THANK YOU SO MUCH I LOVE YOU ALL :**

comment/kudos if you liked!

thanks for reading! :*

  
  
  
  


“T-tadashi, how did you know?”

“I heard you one night, you know, you think you’re being quiet when you really aren’t.” Tadashi smirked, wrapping his arms around my waist, leaning more into the kiss.

“Wait, Tadashi, I-“ A choked sob was stopped in my throat.

“What’s the matter? Please tell me Hiro.” He encased both of my hands with his, interlacing our fingers.

_ I’m not worth your time. _

_ I’m not worth it. _

_ I don’t deserve someone as good as you. _

“I-I just..” I started.

Tadashi did not push for it to be out, he simply sat with me, patiently holding my hands in his, placing small kisses all over my arms, his lips grazing over the now fading horizontal lines.

“I’m not worth it.” I said, my voice not above a whisper.

Tadashi froze. I was hoping he wouldn’t hear me.

“Hiro...”

He gripped my hands harder.

“You’re my baby brother, I’ve basically raised you, you’re genius even more than you know, with a heart full of good intentions, and I know you’re going to change the world with it. I love you, you matter to me and everyone around you, you  _ are  _ worth it, you may not think so right now, but you  _ are.  _ I would go to the ends of the universe just to see a smile on your face one more time, you are loved more than you think you know and you’re mature beyond your years. Don’t think for one second that you’re not worth it or that you don’t matter because you do. Even if it was to one person, you  _ matter _ and you  _ are  _ worth it. I love you more than you could ever comprehend, don’t even think for  _ one second  _ that I wouldn’t do something for you to keep you happy.  _ I love you Hiro.” _

I was the one to initiate the kiss this time, falling in to Tadashi’s strong embrace.

“I love you too Tadashi.” I whispered into his chest.

Tadashi leaned over me, pressing my back in to the mattress below me, our kisses becoming slightly more lust-filled, but he still spelled out  _ I love you  _ with every movement of his lips.

He ran his hands over my mid-section, feeling every bump and flaw that was my body. He hiked my shirt up to my chest, leaning down to inspect my belly.

“Hiro... You’ve lost a lot of weight...”

I said nothing. I had no desire to see my filth-ridden body, especially when Tadashi was so intent on making me feel like it was wonderful.

I cringed at the feeling of a full stomach. Even in two weeks, I had grown accustomed to the satisfying emptiness that came with purging.

He kissed my belly button, staying there for a moment and then mumbling in to my skin.

“Perfect.”

As he continued to move lower, I could feel a blush radiating through my chest and flushing my whole body, more than likely visible by Tadashi.

“Is this okay? If you want me to stop just say, okay?” He gazed up at me.

I nodded.

He continued to unbutton my shorts, sending a small shiver down my spine. I halted when I remembered all of my scars, momentarily lost in the feeling.

“N-no, Tadashi, I don’t want you to see them.” I hastily tried to pull them back up, only for larger hands to engulf mine.

“It’s alright, relax, take a deep breath okay?”

I followed his instructions.

He continued to pull my shorts, but to my satisfaction, only to the tops of my thighs, where my scars weren’t peeking through.

He kissed around the growing bulge in my boxers, seeming to get everywhere except for where I wanted him. When his hot mouth finally wrapped around the head (even through fabric) I nearly lost it. I turned my head and moaned into my arm, biting my sleeve. Tadashi giggled at how excited I was.

“Oh shut up.” I said, a breathy laugh following.

He continued, pulling the thin fabric down over the tops of my legs, placing small kisses on my boney hips in the process. Tadashi took his right hand and wrapped around the base of my member, placing his other on my lower abdomen to keep me from thrusting my hips up too much. He kissed up my length and stopping, swirling his tongue around the head, slipping inside the slit, causing me to cry out loudly in pleasure. He wrapped his lips around me, taking all in one gulp, swallowing around my cock. I was nowhere near full grown, but that didn’t stop Tadashi from treating me like the best he’s ever had.

I had just started to buck forward, in search of movement, when he retreated completely off. I whined loudly at the loss.

“Hold on” Tadashi continued to walk over to his side of the room, listening to him open and close his bedside drawer.

I was too preoccupied staring at the obvious bulge in Tadashi’s jeans, wondering how in the hell he was going to fit inside me. I grew worried, wriggling in place.

Tadashi crawled over to me, placing his hands on my chest.

“Relax Hiro, you’re safe okay? I’ve got you.” He mumbled on my chest, heading to continue where he left off.

He began to remove my pants completely, when he stopped for a split second to look at my scars. I wasn’t expecting him to lean down and kiss every one of them. I was expecting him to be revolted by them. When he finished kissing  _ literally  _ every single scar on my skinny legs, he continued to kiss his way down the insides of my thighs, sucking on one particular spot, leaving a small red mark in its wake.

“I know this might feel weird at first, but I promise you’ll get used to it.”

“W-what?”

I suddenly felt an intrusion making its way in to my body, it was then I realized that it wasn’t a finger. Tadashi had dipped his head between my thighs and was now licking, sucking and tonguing my virgin hole, sending pure, hot pleasure that reverberated through my whole body and finally settled in the bottom of my stomach. The sounds coming from him were simply obscene, I would have laughed at them any other day, but I was too distracted at the moment. Tadashi gripped my cock again with his hand, and reaching down beside his own body with the other.

“ _ F-fuck-k, Tadashi-i.”  _ I moaned in to the pillow surrounding my head, gripping at his dark brown locks with my free hand. I was too submerged in what could only be described as  _ Tadashi  _ to hear a soft click of a bottle cap. He must have used only one hand because his other was occupied with my leaking cock. He came back up and started suckling the head of my dick again, right after he muttered an innocent, “I’m sorry.”

I didn’t understand what he could possibly be sorry for, until I felt one of his fingers slowly slip in to me, causing me to jump at the surprise. One finger was alright, I had done one before, until my body got too cramped for me to continue. But Tadashi was able to reach angles I never could, discovering more and more sweet spots the longer he moved around. When he slipped his second in, he was more determined, as if he were searching for something. The pain was only slightly uncomfortable, but it was completely eradicated the moment he pressed on a certain spot on the inside of me. My back arched up off the mattress, Tadashi’s hum of approval vibrating around me. 

He hit it two more times before my back arched for a final time, shooting hot cum down my older brother’s throat.

He pulled off, giving me a moment to bounce back when I realized he still had two fingers inside me, gradually working me back to hardness. I continued to bite my lip until it was nearly bleeding. Tadashi leaned forward, hesitating a moment. I gave him a questioning look.

“You don’t mind?” It was then I realized he was referring to kissing, and I quickly shook my head.

The taste of Tadashi mixed with my own just turned me on even more. I moaned hotly once again in to his mouth, letting his tongue dance with mine.

He leaned back on his knees, discarding of the rest of my clothing, as well as his.

I marveled at his body, trying not to pay attention to the nagging voice in the back of my mind.

_ You could look like that, if you’d listened to me. _

Tadashi leaned forward to capture my lips again, using his hands for some task I wasn’t paying attention to. The only thing that I wanted was Tadashi.

“I’m sorry, I really don’t like to be the one who does this, but I’d rather it be me than anyone else.” He said, panting, resting his forehead against mine.

“It’s okay Tadashi, stop apologizing.” I smiled, craning my neck up for another kiss.

I watched his inner turmoil come out as he slowly pressed in to me, muttering apologies the whole way. I grunted acceptingly when his cock was fully submerged inside me. I wiggled my hips, signaling that it was alright for him to begin to move. He slowly pulled out and repeated it a few times, letting me adjust.

_ There’s no way he’s an average size. _

I moaned the entire time, the pain letting up slightly with every thrust.

“ _ Ungh, Shit, Hiro, you’re so fucking tight.” _

Tadashi’s words sent pure arousal down my spine.

“Well yeah, that’s what it’s like when you’re a virgin.”

I couldn’t help but let my sarcasm bleed through. He giggled with me, kissing me just to shut me up.

The room was filled with nothing but our moans and the sound of skin meeting skin, gradually increasing pressure in the pit of my abdomen.

With every thrust from Tadashi, he was hitting the spot inside me dead on, hardly needing to search at all. I could feel myself meeting his hips with my involuntarily.

“ _ A-ah, Tadashi I’m close-e.”  _ Tadashi leaned forward and took my lips in his again, making sure to taste me as if it was the first and last time.

“ _ I-i’m- Aa-H!”  _ I came with a shout, spilling myself on mine and Tadashi’s chests, feeling him release his hot seed inside me as my walls clenched with my orgasm.

Panting was the only noise filling the thick air, as Tadashi kissed me through it. He was dedicated to cleaning me before himself, slipping soft pyjama bottoms on me after he had done so. He curled up behind me, letting his arm fall around my bare waist. He kissed around the back of my neck and the shell of my ear, whispering one thing the whole time.

“ _ I love you Hiro _ .”

  
  
  
  


Chapter 8

Notes:

I'm very, very sorry as this sucks so bad, but i'm having a slight writer's block, even though I know what is going to happen, but bare with me, it will get better, I promise!

*trigger warnings heavily apply*

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

DUN DUN DUNNNNN

AGAIN THANK YOU FOR ALL THE COMMENTS, MESSAGES AND KUDOS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH :*

comment/kudos if you liked!

thanks for reading! :**

  
  
  
  


I cracked my eyes open, seeing the beautiful sun rays shining through the blinds, making the small dust particles visible. Tadashi's hand tightened around my waist, pulling me closer to his chest. I listened to his breaths even out as he relaxed, knowing I was safe in his arms.

_

"C'mon Hiro, I'm taking you somewhere today. Sitting at home all day isn't healthy." 

"Ugh."

I groaned. I didn't want to get out from under the comforter. Alas, Tadashi was all but dragging me from out of the blanket. He leaned forward, pressing his mouth against mine, using my drowsiness to his advantage.

"If you don't get up, I'm never kissing you again."

My body was awake before my mind even knew what it was doing.

_

"Why do we have to go to your nerd school?" I groaned again, leaning my face forward in to Tadashi's back, hiding my face from the wind whipping at my cheeks. 

"Relax, classes aren't even in session today, we just always have access to our lab."

"We?"

Tadashi smirked in response.

Tadashi pushed open the double doors, greeting his friends on the way.

"Hi! Oh my goodness, you're Hiro! You look so much like Tadashi!" A girl with long blonde hair greeted me.

I had never really actually met Tadashi's friends, only heard about them and their antics (mostly Fred ).

_ How can they all be so perfect and still be nerds? I just look like a stereotypical nerd. _

"This is Honey Lemon." Tadashi smiled and half heartedly hugged her.

_ He should be with her, not me, I'm nothing. Useless. _

I tried to hide my face, hoping nobody could read my mind.

"Welcome to the nerd lab."

"That's Gogo." Tadashi laughed.

"Wasabi." He bent at the waist, smiling at me.

My cheeks flushed unintentionally.

"So I heard that you're good with robotics. Can you make me a fire breathing device?! I asked Tadashi but he said it's 'not science'." Without any information, I already knew it was Fred. I laughed.

"Uhh, I don't know, mayb-"

"It's not science Fred!"

Wasabi quietly shouted at Fred, shoving him with his arm.

They all dispersed after a moment of giggling, Fred trailing behind to watch all of their work.

“C’mon, i’ll show you my work space.”

Tadashi led me to his own private –what seemed like- office, even though he denied it was an office.

“I thought it’d be fun to let you tinker around somewhere you didn’t have to worry about accidentally setting everything of fire or wrecking anything.” He smiled sweetly at me, obviously a much thought out plan.

“Y-you mean I can work here? With you?” I was vibrating like an eight year old on Christmas morning.

“Yeah, go for it, anything you want is in the lab, somewhere.” He rubbed the back of his neck, his trait of nervousness.

“I was also hoping, that, uh, you could maybe socialize a bit, I know you don’t get to talk to people on ‘your level’ very often, so I thought it would- uh – be a nice change.” Tadashi stammered over his words.

I nodded, knowing that if I opened my mouth, a sob would burst out of me.

-

Tadashi dragged me out to lunch with his friends down the street to some small restaurant. I was reluctant, wanting to keep working on my things, I might never see this opportunity again.

“Hiro, it will be there when we get back, I promise.” I sighed and pulled on my sweater once again, being pushed in to the warm air outside.

-

“Being forced out of the house are you?” Wasabi questioned, sitting next to me at the small booth.

“Yeah.” I gave a weak smile, trying my best at socializing.

_ Holy shit, it’s literally been months since I’ve talked to someone other than Tadashi and Aunt Cass. _

“Hiro, are you sure you’re okay? You look a bit distant, and you’ve hardly touched your food!” Honey Lemon stated.

I looked over at Tadashi, begging him to save me. He made no move, assuming he had no idea what to say, because it wasn’t his place to tell people.\

“Y-yeah, I’m uh, a bit sick, I guess.”

“Oh no! What’s wrong? Do you need anything? I’ve got-“ I cut Honey off, before she could ramble on any longer.

“No, no, I guess it’s not that kind of sick.” I mumbled in to my chest, hanging my head.

“Wh-what’s wrong?”

In the short amount of time I had known her, I had never heard her hesitate with words. She stumbled over her own tongue, almost like she was scared.

“I- um.” My face grew cold, drained of all blood.

I glanced at Tadashi for help again, he only gave me a look that said  _ ‘only if you want to’ _ .

I nodded in agreement at him.

“I- um, I’m clinically depressed.”

Small gasps erupted from the table, barely noticeable by anyone not listening. I turned my head in to my shoulder, wishing I could just crawl in to Tadashi’s chest and never come out.

I was suddenly bombarded with coos about how everyone would be here for me, how they would all support me and help in recovery. They still had no idea about the other things. Tears were welling in my eyes.

“Th-thanks, guys.” I gave a warm hearted smile towards all of them, that’s when I noticed Tadashi was crying as well.

They proceeded to physically take my phone from inside my jeans, and added every single one of their phone numbers in it, house and mobile. I was overwhelmed at how somebody could care so much for someone as useless as me.

-

They all came to our house after I was done tinkering with some of Tadashi’s things, leaving a mess of his lab.

Aunt Cass’s face lit up at the sight of people coming over, let alone to be with me and Tadashi. She made wings for all of us as we watched TV in our shared room.

“Promise you’ll call or text if you need anything alright? Hiro, look at me, promise me.” Honey was the last to leave out of all of them, even though I had Tadashi standing right next to me, she still wanted to make sure I was okay.

“I promise Honey, now go home, it’s late.” I smiled at her as Tadashi basically pushed her out of the door.

“Okay, i’ll see you guys later!” She blew us a kiss as she departed.

-

“Thank you Hiro.” Tadashi mumbled in to my neck, the vibrations tickling my skin.

“For what?”

“For coming, and making an effort.”

I hummed, making it sound like I was agreeing.

Tadashi soon slid out of my bed after much insistence; he gave me a kiss, padding back to his own bed for the night. I listened to his breathing even out as I was staring out the window at the full moon.

_ If only I could be out there instead of up here. Am I really going to do this? _

Tadashi flinched in his bed, a result of some dream. I waited a few more minutes before I slipped out of bed, prying my backpack open to reach the small leather bound journal in the bottom. I pulled the flap on the back open, running my fingers along what seemed like the only person to understand me at the moment. I sighed lightly, picking the inch long piece of metal and twirling it in my fingers.

I walked quietly to the bathroom, making sure to avoid the boards in the floor that creaked. I locked the door behind me, sliding my small body down the length of the wood and dropping my head in my hands. I picked up the piece of metal I had dropped and stared at my frightened reflection.

_ Just do it already! You waste so much time. _

I settled myself in the bathtub, making myself comfortable. Silent tears rolled down my face as I thought about Tadashi and his friends.

_ I don’t deserve them, they’re too nice to me, I knew I shouldn’t have gone today. I’m fucking worthless, I can’t do anything right. They don’t really care about me, they’re just saying they do because they feel bad because I look so little. They won’t miss me. They’ll get over it. _

I sighed a shaky breath once more, letting the final tears roll down my face as I took my right hand to the base of my palm and dragged it vertically down my forearm.

  
  
  
  


Chapter 9

  
  
  


Notes:

thank you so much to everyone who says they love it and want more! I will never, ever get sick of hearing it! And a big special thank you to (http://hiro-hamadacest.tumblr.com/) for making a wonderful piece pf artwork based on my fic! I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart!

*trigger warnings apply*

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

AGAIN THANK YOU FOR ALL THE COMMENTS, MESSAGES AND KUDOS! I LOVE YOU ALL SO MUCH :*

comment/kudos if you liked!

thanks for reading! :**

  
  
  
  


**Tadashi**

Tadashi woke to the sound of inflation by the big balloon of his self designed nurse bot.

"Baymax? What are you doing?"

Tadashi leaned forward on his elbows to see the robot better.

"I have heard a sound of distress."

"I must have been making sounds in my sleep Baymax, everything's okay."

Baymax turned to scan the wall that was connected to the bathroom.

"Baymax, what the hell are you doing?" Tadashi grew worried, his face slowly contorting.

"Hiro seems to be injured and in a state of distress."

Tadashi's heart fell through the floor.

"What?"

Tadashi leapt faster than humanly possibly from the bed, vaguely remembering something someone said once about moms being able to lift cars off of babies.

Tadashi banged on the door with all of his strength, feeling the lock only give slightly, since it was new from the first time he knocked it down.

"HIRO? OPEN THE DOOR!" Tadashi shouted with every being in his body, vibrating with dread.

After several more throws of his body, the door finally gave way, sending Tadashi flying inside, landing on his knees in front of the metallic bath tub. He pulled his head up, dreading what he saw.

Hiro was laying in the tub, passed out with blood pooling around him, leaking from a gash that covered his entire left forearm.

"CASS ! Baymax! Call an ambulance!"

"Emergency services have been contacted."

Tadashi lowered his head to Hiro's mouth, listening for breathing of any sort.

"Baymax! Help me!"

Baymax shuffled over and did temporary stitches on the boy's arm as fast as the bot could manage, backing up to let Tadashi wrap his arm in the nearest thing he could find, tying it tightly around and pressing hard in to his little brother's arm, screaming and crying silently as he did so, praying to whatever god was out there to save the boy.

Cass came padding up the steps, ready to yell about all the commotion when she saw Tadashi holding her limp nephew in his arms.

A bang was heard downstairs as the paramedics came crashing in through the door. They made quick work of their skills, tying something on his bicep to possibly slow the bleeding. They picked up Hiro's small body with ease and placed him on the stretcher that was propped up in their room.

Cass insisted that Tadashi go with him in the ambulance, leaving her to drive herself.

-

The doctors ushered Tadashi out of the room where they stitched up his arm, making quick progress before they came out and told him that his younger brother would be okay. Tadashi thanked them repeatedly, tears falling over to his cheeks.

-

Tadashi sat at Hiro's bedside, thankful the nurse was able to get them a private room. He gripped Hiro's good hand in his, interlacing their fingers together.

"Hiro, please, I don't know if you can hear me but please, please wake up, I love you and I cannot live without you. Please wake up, I love you... I love you... I love you..." Tadashi whispered to his unconscious brother, resting his head on the bed sheet below his face when Cass walked into the room with Baymax trailing behind her. She muttered something about Baymax being able to deactivate from only his patients.

"How's he doing? The doctor told me most of it." Tears were evident on Cass's face, wet stains on her sleeves.

Tadashi looked up from his spot sitting next to Hiro, and moved to hug his aunt.

"I'm sorry Cass, this is my fault, I should have been looking after him more closely and I-"

"No, Tadashi, you always blame yourself, you have such a parent mentality, you're the big brother, you've done all you could do, okay? Stop blaming yourself." Cass hugged her eldest nephew, choking back a sob along with her own inner blame.

Tadashi breathed out a shaky sigh in to her shoulder.

"I love you Cass."

"I love you too Tadashi. I just wish your brother knew that." She added the latter in a hushed tone.

The doctor had said it usually took a while for people to wake up after such an event alone, but they had to perform a blood transfusion to keep his young heart beating. Tadashi made a mental note to donate blood whenever he could in the future.

His friends had called and called, pulling the story out of Tadashi's sobbing chest. They had brought him his change of clothes and necessities and came to stay with him and Cass in the small space beside Hiro's bed. Baymax had to deflate in to his emergency form, folding in to a small square to allow room for everyone to fit, since he was not needed at the immediate moment, yet he was not ready to give up on his adolescent patient.

It was hours later that Tadashi insisted his friends go home, saying he would call them after Hiro wakes up. Honey Lemon was crying the whole time, wishing she could have done something to help.

The doctor came in shortly after and started fiddling with things around Hiro's wrists.

"What are you doing?" Tadashi asked defensively, ready to throw the man off of his baby brother.

"Hiro should be waking soon, it is standard for people admitted with suicide attempts to have their arms strapped down in case of the state they may be in when they wake up." Tadashi wanted nothing more but to throw the doctor across the room for ever considering that his brother would do something like that, but here his is, sitting beside his hospital bed, waiting for the younger to wake up with a pain in his heart.

**Hiro**

I pried my eyes open as if they were shut closed with glue. The harsh white light hit my eyes and I instinctively tried to raise my right arm to cover it, only to have it painfully held in place.

_ What the hell? _

As soon as my vision focused, I turned to look at my arm, seeing it was strapped to the pale hospital bed. That's right.

_ Oh shit, I failed. Who fucking fails at a suicide attempt? I really am fucking useless. _

I was wrenched from my thoughts when someone cleared their voice beside me. I was dreading to see Tadashi. The ache in my entire left arm would be nothing compared to the hurt on his overprotective face.

I reluctantly turned my head to face him, seeing tears in his eyes and a hole in his heart.

He threw his arms around me, nearly crawling on top of me before Aunt Cass placed her hand on him to get him to stop and remind him of my fragile state.

"Hiro..."

"Tadashi." My voice was rough with disuse.

"Hiro, I love you so much. I cannot live without you, the thought that you would ever want to do that to yourself makes me sick but I want you to know that I love you so much, more than you could ever know, so please, please, please, stay here with me, please, I can't lose you too." 

Tadashi bowed his head in defeat, resting on my chest. I did my best to lean forward and hold him, getting tears on his hair. Aunt Cass joined shortly as well, letting herself fall into my lap.

"Hiro, what did I do? Where did I go wrong..." She whispered the last more to herself.

"Aunt Cass, you didn't do anything, it was just me, just me and my fucked up head..."

She usually would have scolded me for such language but at the moment, she could not care about anything other than that I was safe.

The doctor interrupted our crying fest, clearing his throat as he entered the room. Cass scrambled up to greet him but Tadashi didn't move. I didn't mind. I wanted more than anything to wrap my arms around him and lay in his chest forever.

I wasn't paying attention to what the doctor had to say, but one word had apparently gotten Tadashi's attention, as if it were some secret code word triggering a memory.

He looked at me sympathetically.

"What? What is it?"

I met all of their eyes.

"Well, Hiro, given your mental state, and your physical conditions as well as the things you are doing to harm yourself, physically like cutting and purging your meals, the best course of action at the moment would be to admit you to a rehabilitation centre for adolescents."

I stared at the doctor open mouthed, as if he could suggest such a thing.

"No, I have school!" I tried to argue.

"Every subject is taught there with private tutors, so you can take as much time as you want."

Tadashi took my unwrapped hand in his.

"Hiro, it would be good for you, please consider it? It's only up the street from our house so I could come see you every day, and it won't be that long."

I contemplated my response letting Tadashi crawl in to my chest once more.

_ Well, as long as I get to see Tadashi every day? Ugh, they're going to monitor my every move though. But Tadashi… _

I leaned forward more in to Tadashi, mumbling an answer in to his shoulder.

"Fine, but only if you visit every day."

  
  
  
  


Chapter 10

  
  
  


Notes:

ooh, last chapter everyone! Thank you all so much for reading! I love every single one of you, I will never get tired of seeing all the positive messages I am receiving every day. Thank you so much and I hope you have a wonderful day ! I love each and every one of you from the bottom of my heart! :*

  
  
  
  


End Notes:

comment/kudos if you liked!

thank you so much for reading! :**

  
  
  
  


You know, most of the people here count their days clean or weeks since they entered recovery, but I just count the hours until I can see Tadashi again.

Everything is monitored, every corner and crevice has a camera shoved somewhere. Even in the fucking bathroom, which is pretty gross to be completely honest. But it also means when Tadashi’s here, he can’t kiss me and I can’t kiss him and it’s killing me, more than the bland food they serve.

-

Months have gone by and Tadashi visited every single day after his classes. He helped me with my homework, made sure I ate my disgusting dinner, and said goodnight to me before walking home a couple blocks away. It was really convenient that he’s only a few blocks away because they always call him if I’m having another panic attack. Nothing they do will calm me down, the only thing that works is being held by Tadashi.

I remember once I tried to break a piece of plastic off of the edge of the shower door and use it to slice my thighs once more. Of course they found out and stopped me, didn’t let me go out on any of the ‘city visits’ for a week. But, they had called Tadashi because he was the only one who could get me to stop thrashing and screaming at them that they should let me do it because they don’t care, nobody cares.

Those were hard months. Every single night I fell asleep cold, wanting to be encased in his arms again. They said it would get easier the longer I was there, forcing me every day to eat a certain amount and talk to that therapist guy every day. There weren’t many people there, only five as well as me. Four of them were girls, which in turn made me more self-conscious about how fucked I was.

The other boy was seventeen and apparently he had DID and apparently they told him to do things to himself like cut and starve. I’m not sure how he is now, I refuse to go back to that place.

I’m happy here, at home, with Tadashi. I spent my fifteenth birthday in that bloody place. Tadashi brought me a cake and watched a movie with me and even got to stay after curfew with me.

I felt sorry for the girls because they weren’t allowed to have any type of razors. They complained about it a lot. They all bought me a gag gift for my fifteenth, a pair of black lacey women’s undies, not a thong or anything like that, they just looked like normal undies but made of black lace. I never knew that I liked them until I decided to try them on when I got back home. Tadashi loved them even more than me I think.

_

Most mornings I wake up with a small smile before getting up and getting ready for the day alongside Tadashi. Since I graduated with the help of my older brother –early might I add- I stay home under the supervision of Aunt Cass while working on my inventions and tweaking my robots. Tadashi comes home around four pm every week day, staying with me in our room until we both are talking nonsense at all hours of the night. 

I stayed in the garage today.

I turned my head, hearing the familiar rumble of the metal door swinging up in to someone’s grasp.

“Hiro? Are you okay? You’re always upstairs when I get home from school.”

_ No, I feel like I’m slipping back again. _

“Yeah, fine, I just didn’t notice the time.” I smiled warmly at my concerned older brother.

Tadashi said nothing, just quietly moved to sit on the red couch beside me and pulled a book out from his school bag.

I wanted so badly to cry my eyes out, and even after months of people telling me that it’s okay to cry, I still didn’t believe them. I’m a teenager, teenagers don’t cry. Especially boys. I craned my neck to the left, hoping Tadashi couldn’t see my watery orbs. I absentmindedly thumbed the large vertical now fading scar on my right forearm, subconsciously wishing I had gone through with it and dug in even deeper. I accidentally let a few tears slip down my cheeks, letting the sobs finally take over me from the inside.

Within seconds I was in Tadashi’s arms, being coddled and soothed, but this time didn’t work the same. He carried me up to our shared room, past a worried Aunt Cass, which he gave her an apologetic look. Tadashi slid under his covers with me still in his arms, letting me lay comfortably across his torso with my legs in between his. He still said nothing, just silently rocked me while I continued to stain his SFIT t-shirt with my tears. After long minutes he finally spoke.

“What’s wrong Hiro?” His voice was not above a whisper

“I don’t know.” I muttered in to his shirt.

My thighs tingled and ached, begging to be slit back open again by my confiscated tools. I begged and begged for the thoughts to stop.

Hours passed and I continued. Tadashi still kept with me, rocking me and whispering encouraging things in to the top of my hair, peppering small kisses along my forehead every now and again.

“It’s okay to break down Hiro. Sometimes we don’t even know why. You’re allowed to scream, you’re allowed to cry and kick and hit and punch anything you want, but you’re not allowed to give up. You have so much more to experience but I promise you it will get better, time heals. You will heal. It’s going to hurt and you’re going to want to break but you will stay strong because I know you, I know my baby brother and I know you’re stronger than this, and you will make it out of this. I know you will. I love you.”

Tadashi hushed in to my hair.

I sat still around my brother’s waist. Maybe it’s not okay now, but it will be, as long as I’m with Tadashi.

**END**

**Author's Note:**

> tumblr @ avatrs  
> twitter @ ddystark


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